My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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