you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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