Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
