I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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