You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
