I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
