You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
