you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
