a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize