I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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