im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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