dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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