So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
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I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
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BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.