When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
