I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
