I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
