Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
try to milk me bitch
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