note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do