Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dating After Heartbreak
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."