My room smells like vodka and shame
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.