im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
