Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
