he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Enjoy the penises
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
