I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
