Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
