In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
