I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
