You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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