You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
