Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the condom got lost in my hair
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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