On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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