I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
