I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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