Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
