he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
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Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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