hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
