seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
