did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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