I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize