After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
