I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
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I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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