Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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