im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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