last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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