So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just blew my weed a kiss
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
