omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
