Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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