tonight lets celebrate not being married
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
did you just send me my own nude
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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