I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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