you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the day after is always just damage control
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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