Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
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I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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