i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I FOUND THE LEGS
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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