true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
