She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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