I wanna bring you to show and tell
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard