My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.