my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
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what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
You ate ashes out of my bong
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.