It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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